Leaving the Room

I ran across this line. The quote is from Meryl Streep speaking at Nora Ephron's memorial service:

“But sometimes you have to wait until your friend leaves the room to say how great she is,” she said, “because she absolutely would never put up with any of this if she were within earshot.” (From this article)

Though I am not all that old yet, I have had far too many friends and family leave the room. To them my words of gratitude and love will go unspoken. I like to hope that they knew what they meant to me.

But this line made me wonder if we let those we work with know how great they are before they leave the room - whether it is leaving for college or heading down a new path in life. Do we let our volunteer leaders know, regularly, how great they are? Do we find ways to authentically affirm the greatness of the youth? Do we show young adults their unique greatness?

Before someone leaves the room, how can you let them know how great they are?

What If

Letters to Juliet will probably never rank in the top 100 Films of All Time.  However, I do love the letter that is read aloud near the end.  The words "What If" are oh so powerful.  Hindsight, doubt, wishful thinking, rose colored glasses all come into play when we allow ourselves to mentally meander down the trail of our lives' "what ifs."

The Washington Post has an interesting slide show of "Things You Would Have Said."  It is very easy to imagine a discussion for either a youth or young adult group emerging from this. 

It would be easy to take a discussion of hindsight, fears, insecurities, judgements, and so on.  You could also talk of how we take people for granted or do not stand up for things that we later wish we would have.

You could easily speak about grief and not being able to have closure with a loved one or a lost relationship.  There is also the topic of heroes and people who have had a positive influence on our lives that we have not thanked.

Just an idea.  For what it is worth.

For St. Francis

I'm a dog person. How can you tell? Well, let's gauge me and cats. Cats love me, I mean find the cat that hates all humans as lower life forms. That cat will adore me. Ironically, all those cats that love to come and find me when I visit friends houses result in me scaring away all other life forms with monstrous sneezes and a horrifically congested nose. My theory is that the cats derive some sort of pleasure from causing such suffering. Just a theory.

Now, enter a dog. Specifically my dog, Gracie. Gracie is, without much ability of anyone to argue the fact, one of the most pathetic canine creatures on Earth. I got her about 2 and 1/2 years ago from a rescue. She had no fur on her hind legs as that is where the puppy mill bound her for two years. She had several litters for the mill. Her entire being would quake and cower whenever anyone approached her. Yet, for some strange reason, I just had to take her home.

For the first few months she and I struggled to find our groove. She ate her way out of a plastic kennel I would put her in while I was at work. She actually ate a hole in it. Somehow she managed to destroy a giant terry cloth robe, a 2x2 foot square pillow, a sweatshirt, and various other items all while in her kennel (with no opening more than 1 inch square!). I replaced the plastic kennel with one that was metal. She figured out how to open it.

After two days of her exiting the kennel after I left and me returning to a happy dog and tidy house, we had a new routine. She ruled the house (i.e. napped) while I was at work and let me think I ruled the house while I was home.

Until that fateful night last spring. I came home from a long day with the teens and just wanted to go to sleep after a short walk with Gracie. It was past 10 and I was beyond exhausted. Apparently Gracie was too. She had destroyed nearly everything! My bedding was gone. Fabric crates in the shelving unit were decimated. The living room looked like a war zone and my bedroom gave the impression of a winter wonderland from all the fluff.

This was the climax of a week of escalating destruction. Gracie had developed severe separation anxiety. This manifested itself in destroying my bedding and eventually her things too. I went through 6 sets of sheets, 2 bed skirts, 2 mattress pads, and a king size comforter before a desperate 2 am call to the vet that night. Thankfully the vet was able to help me out and now my high maintenance little dog gets Prozac (yes, human Prozac).

Now that I am able to come home to a normal dog and a tidy bedroom, I can say that Gracie is the best catechist and spiritual director I know. So in honor of St. Francis, here are a few of the things I think Gracie would say if she could preach to you (or the birds):

• 
  
  All that is needed to make me happy is to have my human at home all day. If my human could just sit by me, maybe pet me a bit or comb me, I'd be thrilled. I don't need treats or those frilly sweaters the lady down the street makes her dog wear. I just want to lay there in the sun with my human. Don't you think that ultimately all God wants from you is the same thing - to just be?


• 
  
  When you are totally frustrated and at the end of your leash - sit down. Pulling on it will only cause you to hurt and look ridiculous. Just stop, be still, and listen to what comes.


• 
  
  When the storms come, know your safe place. Don't be afraid to go and retreat to it.


• 
  
  Being fearful isn't a way to live. No matter how badly someone may hurt you, most people just want to pet you and play with you.


• 
  
  Playing games is great. Take time to play. But remember the most important part isn't chasing the ball, it is bringing it back to the one who threw it.


• 
  
  Protect what you love. Especially from those crafty woodchucks. If you love something, fight for it.


• 
  
  But if you have to lose something you love, like your most favorite fuzzy toy, let it go. Something new and better may be around the corner.


• 
  
  Always greet people with a wagging tail and not a noisy bark.


• 
  
  Show great joy even over the little things like meaty treats and tennis balls.

Yeah, Gracie's pretty wise. And best of all, when I'm done tonight with Theology on Tap, I know she'll be right at the door with her fuzzy bone waiting with a wagging tail.

Keeping It Real

Okay, so the phrase "Keeping it real" is outdated. It is however, appropriate for today's musings.

I would ask if you are always busy at work, juggling somewhere around 89 projects, and trying to find time to eat your lunch/dinner, but hey, if you're reading this, you're in ministry. I'm assuming we're all a bit swamped.

Since Thanksgiving I've been trying to improve how I live. Some of this is finally hanging the pictures up around the house or replacing the rug that somehow just died a painful wrinkly death. Another part is trying to eat better and be more active (please ignore the couple of Trader Joe Salsa Tortilla chips I just ate - way better than Doritos). I've noticed all this helps. I have a higher level of energy, I'm a happier camper, and I've confused my dog by switching bathroom items from beige to cranberry red (she was scared of the bathroom for a couple of days).

Now that I've created some better habits for myself, it is time to check my habits here in ministry. I've been at this for 6 1/2 years. While I'm not as wise and experienced as many of the sage youth and young adult ministers out there, I do know this discussions . I cannot let myself get complacent or coast on what is working now. What works now may not work tomorrow. These ministries are always changing and always experiencing outside influences that can be overwhelming.

While I hate to add something more to my ever-growing, everlasting To-Do List, I am going to add in time to, well, dream. Brainstorming is to much focused on the nuts and bolts, the logistics. We've already got a pastoral plan. I purposely choose the word dream because it implies ignoring limits, utilizing creativity, and reaching far beyond what other forms of thinking often gather. From this will come the things that then will be plugged into brainstorming sessions.

Well, my leadership will be here in about 20 minutes for our monthly planning meeting, time to get them dreaming too.

Land, Sea or Sky

No matter how much you say you will never do so again, the moment inevitably comes when you realize you are about to embark on yet another trip with teens or young adults. After denial, checking your sanity, and making sure you are up to date on all your vaccines, you think you're ready. Are the people in your group?

I was reading this article from CNN on Getting Your Way when you travel. It started me thinking.

Do you know that look of absolute fear that crosses the face of just about everyone at a gate when you walk up to the counter with your teens in tow? Or even more amusing, the look of guilty (or not so) guilty relief of those where you didn't stop?

I have now taken teens out of the country three times. This doesn't make me an expert, but there are a few things I hold to.

1. Prep the kids for travel. Whether it is the precaution of Dramamine for a youth who has never flown or directions on how to fill out the customs forms, prepare your youths for the trip as much as possible in advance. Also help them while traveling. Navegating an unknown airport is challenging enough for well-traveled adults (hello Frankfurt). Factor in the age, experience, and possible language issues and you could have several nervous youths.
   
2. No pjs or 'scrubby' clothes on the plane. They don't have to dress for Christmas Mass, but I want the teens to be dressed nicely. Appearances are important in that infamous first impression.
3. Keep the group reigned in at the gate. Yes, when we had a 10 hour layover at LAX, we were all over. However, it turned out almost all our flight (I think excepting about 10 people) were returning from WYD in Australia. Respecting the space of others help them to respect the youth.
4. Watch the noise, food, Frisbee, and anything else that could intrude on others. Again, the kids have got to eat (especially as on the short domestic flights there often isn't a meal served). However, I try to get the kids to eat the food neatly in the gate. Noise level when playing games should be respectful. And really, Frisbee is not an appropriate airport game.
5. As the group leader, make nice with the employees. I try to catch an employee before the flight to let them know if there is a problem that is brought to their attention that I am the group leader and happy to deal with whatever the issue might be. I also introduce myself to the flight attendants. Not only for the same reason as above, but it helps to explain why I may wander the aisles a bit more. One year I had a girl with diabetes whose numbers shot through the roof. Once the attendants understood I was her chaperone/leader and the young woman with me was a nurse, we had free reign on wandering so we could check on her. They were very helpful when they knew the situation.
6. Respect and responsibility. I demand it from the kids and myself. (I obviously have wiggle room with the responsibility - they are teens.) Respect is a necessity. I make sure that people know I am the one to go to if there is a problem. I make sure they know that I will handle it.
   
7. Last, but not least, communicate. Communicate expectations with your youth. Communicate with your leaders. Communicate with the people around you.

Oh, and always pack duct tape.

Dwelling

In college, a roommate and I would use the words dwelling vs. wallowing to remind ourselves to keep perspective and priorities in place. Wallowing in our worry, misery, migraines, etc was bad. Dwelling in faith, hope, peace, the company of good friends, the oversized chair in the living room, etc were good. Simple, but a good catch phrase so we could support each other's faith and right perspective.

In the October 5 issue of America, there is an article titled, " God Makes a Comeback." The entirety of it is interesting, but I am choosing to take one line of it to reflect on here today.

Religion is increasingly crafted, not inherited; it is 'a seeking rather than a dwelling.'

On the one hand this struck me as profoundly new, while on the other it echoed what the research tells me and experience has taught me.

In this phenomenon lies a great challenge. In this lies an epic call to action. If religion is crafted, if it is a seeking, then we as Catholic leaders need to be truly alive in the field. Relying on family tradition or "it is the way it always has been" is not a viable choice. Instead we need to demonstrate the depth, vibrancy, and relevancy of the faith that we so believe so fervently that we choose to serve it as our daily labor. We need to empower others to seek the seekers. To be guides even as they journey. We need to learn, constantly, new tools of the trade and to pass that knowledge on to our leaders and ministers.

And as for religion not being a dwelling, now that is something to spend more time reflecting on. As the world is buffeted by natural disasters, financial turbulence, and horrors of war, perhaps rediscovering the peace of dwelling in God is needed all the more.

In the enduring words, Romero quoted. We are workers. So let's get to work.

Moving the Goal Posts

As I often do, I find most of my non-Church lessons can be drawn from the source of all wisdom, West Wing. In a particularly fine episode the staff is dealing with crazy dictators, international politics, globe trotting pizzas, Mideast Peace, and the media. Finally, C.J. realizes that while their initial goal, a UN Resolution is not going to come together to meet their deadline, they have the NATO nations in support. She declares to her trusty assistant, Carol, that they are moving the goalpost and taking the game.

We often can get so caught up in playing the game according to how we think it should be played we miss things. We get frustrated when we seem to get absolutely nowhere. We consistently give it our all, only to get stuck in the mud within sight of the end zone.

I am beginning to realize that this often means we're playing the wrong game. We get so busy trying to win by our standards and our concept of what a win is.

All we need to do is move the goalpost.

Or, rather, perhaps we need to make sure that where we put the goalpost is where God wants it. Because as we learned, sometimes God put the goalposts in the most unusual places - on the top of a hill outside Jerusalem...in an empty tomb...

Lessons from the Youth

Last night was the last "Takeover" night where the two girls that serve as chairs of our youth ministry take over youth group with minimal input from me.  In fact, as they wanted to surprise me with aspects of last night, I pretty much trusted them and didn't see an outline or have any of my offers of help accepted.

They did a superb job.  At one point they took my breath away with a reading they composed of several different Bible stories relating to water and storms.  The music they chose for the background, the impeccable pacing (Forensic coach moment of pride), and creativity was astounding.  My pride in them was as equal as my deep humility.  I know I could not have done what they did.  But I was so proud of them.

As I look back on it, with a good night's sleep behind me and a bowl of oatmeal in front of me, I have the leisure to observe many things.  First, the growth these girls demonstrated.  Over the past three years I have seen them grow into these accomplished leaders.  Second, that this is really one of the main points of youth ministry - to enable the youth to own their faith and be able to share it with others in an effective manner.  Using everything from umbrellas to wonderful music choices these girls spoke the many languages of their peers in order to have a conversation with the youth.   And third, it was truly a reminder that another main goal of ministry is to ensure that it is not dependent on me.  

To close, here's one verse the girls pulled for the night from a book you may have overlooked.

In hurricane and tempest is his path, and clouds are the dust at his feet

~Nahum 1.3b

Sing a Song of Christmas

It is quite late.  I'm watching SNL with my hotel roommates and my alarm is going off at 5:45 am, but here's a quote of the day for you:

"Taking teens Christmas caroling is like state sponsored terrorism."

~ Steve Angrisano